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Finlly returned from the dead.

Sooo... Whereapos;ve I been? After my laptop keeled over, i kind of did too. Fell off the wagon went all miserable depressed, you know the routine. Gained some / loss some... Failed... Repeat etc.

Main changing point... Frustration. I was going CRAZY. I would go a few days strong, no eating nothing, just drinking and then WHAM... Hunger would just kick in full force and Iapos;d cave and F-A-I-L. As i knew and expected i can not fast **well** under stress. Living at home again is nothing but stress so itapos;s no surprise i constantly failed over and over and over again and again.

And now i am going to be brutally honest. One day I just got overly upset to the point i HAD to do something. I made up my mind and decided i was not going to sit around and mope about being fat and hate on stupid skinny girls. I HAD it Sick of always thinking "Itapos;s not fair, stupid girls who donapos;t know anything accept how to max out credit cards and spend their whole day txting or prancing around town in their perfect little itty bitty bodies know how to purge and i donapos;t" So... After eating, not binging, i actually never do that by some miracle (mind you on a day i was home alone of course) I just said "fuck it, thatapos;s IT. If those morons can do it Iapos;M going to do it" So... I literally spent a good SEVERAL minutes figuring out how to purge.

Embarressing... I actually had a hard time doing this. Iapos;ve tried countless times in the past but it never worked for me (because i always did it wrong). For all I know I could still be doing it wrong because I dunno how long *most* people purge, but for me it literally takes ME anywhere from an hour and half to TWO hours ...I always assumed girls went in there, purged for like maybe 10 minutes or half hour at most... But who knows, maybe itapos;s one those things where everyones different.

Anyhow... Point is, i FINALLY did it And it was THE best thing for ME ever. I mean, everyone whoapos;s watched me on here KNOWS how i was STUCK in the 150-160apos;s. When i was in high school is when i jumped into tha weight zone, and I was STUCK there ever since (technically i went up the scale in college but that has always been my "impossible" zone).�

Having that said and out of the way... Aside from purging i have been trying to make myself do at least 10 minutes of stairs every day (i.e. Just walking up and down the stairs in our house for 10 minutes) followed by5 minutes on the stationary� bike each day. I still try not to eat at all, and I make sure that the ONLY times i do eat is when i KNOW it is a time i will be home ALONE for multiple hours (which is VERY rare). I still donapos;t binge. I just eat a "normal" sized meal... Because I have a love - hate thing for purging. I love it because it really is the fastest easiest way to lose THE most weight of all in the least amount of time but... I hate doing it because it takes ME forever and after durring the process i get so sick of... Doing it. Itapos;s EXACTLY like me and excersizing. I HATE excersizing... The ONLY reason i do it is cuz i HAVE to.

The days I eat and purge, i lose MORE weight I know that when we eat and purge we donapos;t get "all the calories out" and that whatever we eat, some of that stuff weapos;ll never get back out but... Aparently the purging itself must be a damn good work out (in fact i do feel all tired out after i purge lol). The days i just go without eating and just drink all day... I end up not losing as much, go figure. (but i donapos;t purge on the days I donapos;t eat so all those calories that go in, STAY in...which is probably the reason i donapos;t lose AS much).

Sooooo... Thatapos;s about it in a nutshell I guess. Iapos;m going to *TRY* to keep this updated but... Weapos;ll see what happens.

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i spent most of my day at chelsieapos;s twin sistersapos; halloween themed birthday party.
i had a blast. I usually donapos;t like working with younger kids.
but the whole party setting was just fun.
we made sapos;mores, and there were halloween tattoos and glow sticks,
which i think i enjoyed more than the kids they were for. Hah.

but i had a lot of fun today.
i needed that, i think. :)
tomorrow iapos;m supposed to hang out with kristen and katie and film our biology project.
and then maybe poetapos;s?
i think tomorrow will be fun too.

ah, this is what iapos;ve been needing
:D




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Whoo hoo, day two of the no eating candy or drinking pop thing and going strong

I just got off work and donapos;t feel well enough to write in full sentences.

Not much else. Algebra is still kicking my ass.
I was called off of work because of census three days this week. Luckily I have "pto" hours to fill in those holes. I worked tonight and I picked up Sunday so hopefully my check will be decent.
I canapos;t believe I only make $11.00. And that people work for less.
I have crushes on a few random doctors at work. Mostly the ones that call me by my actual name. How sad for me.
Hopefully tomorrow will be my suck it up and study day, if iapos;m not too lazy.
Have been obsessively listening to Connor Oberstapos;s cd and doodling.
I actually wrote a short story the other day, but had no one I knew that I felt comfortable sharing it with. People tend to kind of skim over it and say things like..."What happened at the end?"
Me: "Nothing...I mean, ...she said that. And thatapos;s the end."
Whoever: "....oh...its pretty good...."

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Iapos;ve been reading Traditional Oil Painting by Virgil Elliott. In it he says something that I think is valuable to artists of all kinds.

"Another harmful influence is the social convention that compels us to feign humility, to pretend we are less than we are, in order to be liked. The danger in such self-deprecation is that it becomes all too easy to fall into the trap of believing it. This may well be a contributing cause of the apos;I could never do thatapos; attitude. It is destructive, from an artistapos;s standpoint, because it denies reality. Arbitrary notions of oneapos;s personal limitations are rarely realistic. How desirable a quality is humility if it inhibits one from wholeheartedly pursuing worthy achievements, greatness, excellence? It must be recognized as potentially detrimental to an artist. Confidence is necessary to proceed in any worthwhile endeavor."



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I got to Humboldt alive, although iapos;m not to sure how long the living part will last. Iapos;ve been here for close to a week and im all settled and set up with everything i think iapos;ll need, thank god since i only have about 20$ to my name until the end of the month so if i i need something more, im kinda fucked haha.
my house is hella cute though. Its covered in garden spiders and has rose bushes in the front. Its like an old lady cottage...only cooler and i get a washerdryer. So in the laundry dep. Im happier than a pig in shit.

im hella not used to living by my self though. I totally love it until i have to go to bed BY MY SELF i hate sleeping by myself in an empty house. Its like the crappiest thing invented and im hella scared of the dark too so its like a double whammy of unpleasant-ness

Oj and Angel live like right down the street from me(but i have no idea how to get there) and mitch, keithtori only live like 20 walking mins away(i also have no idea how to get there)

dirty fucking transient kids are already asking me for cash and shit. I wanna be like.... "WTF MAN i pay rent and you live in a park. Who the hell is gonna have more spendable cash? SERIOUSLY stop LIVING IN THE FUCKING BUSHES, STOP BUYING METH WITH YOUR HOMELESS COINS and you will start to become a real person and people wont BUM ROLL YOUR ASS YOU FUCKING DIRTY TWEAKER HOBO" i think i have kind of a quick temper, i hope that doesnapos;t get me gang raped by dirty hippy tweaker bums.

ew, i have picked up such a dirty habit. I have been smoking...CIGARETTES dun Dun DUN and i donapos;t even do normal ones, i only like menthol so i think im gonna get lung cancer really quickly and die soon. Wouldnapos;t that be teh suck.

theres actually a plethora of really attractive guys here, iapos;m surprised because its Humboldt, and we all know its primarily full of hippies and shit. If i was still kinda slutty and young, i woudl totally be like
"id fuck this bitch. Id fuck that bitch. Iapos;LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES"
yeah, but i donapos;t roll like a ho no mo. I think im just gonna be abstinent until i get into a really serious relationship, im not cool with playing around with guys anymore, it seems so pointless and unproductive. Haha yeah, it only took me 2 or 3 years to figure out that being a ho is not productive.....unless you are a crack ho, than its totally alright and awesome.

i kinda feel like im trying to rush myself into being more "grown up" because the actual growing up part is kinda super fucking lame in my opinion and i would rather be settled down with a significant other. I JUST WANT LOVE MAN LOVE

hahah ok, i have had like a thousand cups of coffee this morning, and we all know how tweaked out i get off caffeine so im gonna stop babbling and go shower.



I love you guys
love,
Me.


SOMEONE COME VISIT ME
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Iapos;ve seen love go by my door
Itapos;s never been this close before
Never been so easy or so slow.
Been shooting in the dark too long
When somethinapos;s not right itapos;s wrong
Yer gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Dragon clouds so high above
Iapos;ve only known careless love,
Itapos;s always hit me from below.
This time around itapos;s more correct
Right on target, so direct,
Yer gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Flowers on the hillside, bloominapos; crazy,
Crickets talkinapos; back and forth in rhyme,
Blue river runninapos; slow and lazy,
I could stay with you forever
And never realize the time.

Situations have ended sad,
Relationships have all been bad.
Mineapos;ve been like Verlaineapos;s and Rimbaud.
But thereapos;s no way I can compare
All those scenes to this affair,
Yer gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Yer gonna make me wonder what Iapos;m doinapos;,
Stayinapos; far behind without you.
Yer gonna make me wonder what Iapos;m sayinapos;,
Yer gonna make me give myself a good talkinapos; to.

Iapos;ll look for you in old Honolulu,
San Francisco, Ashtabula,
Yer gonna have to leave me now, I know.
But Iapos;ll see you in the sky above,
In the tall grass, in the ones I love,
Yer gonna make me lonesome when you go.

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They have some stupid shit set up for thursday because John Michael Montgomery is coming into the store. Now Iapos;m not going to complain about country music being the main music of conservatives and ass clowns like Toby Keith overshadowing someone like a Johnny Cash or Hank Williams I might boredly listen to. Thats just what it is. Really though there setting up this big stupid display and thats all I really got. Some people were talking about this visit today and I made it known that considering music I might be more impressed if Ludwig Van Beehtoven were visiting the store. Cause He made great music while being dead. And if he had visited the store Heapos;d apparently to break that whole immortality thing. Or Heapos;s a deaf mute zombie.������������� Awesome.
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