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Finlly returned from the dead.

Sooo... Whereapos;ve I been? After my laptop keeled over, i kind of did too. Fell off the wagon went all miserable depressed, you know the routine. Gained some / loss some... Failed... Repeat etc.

Main changing point... Frustration. I was going CRAZY. I would go a few days strong, no eating nothing, just drinking and then WHAM... Hunger would just kick in full force and Iapos;d cave and F-A-I-L. As i knew and expected i can not fast **well** under stress. Living at home again is nothing but stress so itapos;s no surprise i constantly failed over and over and over again and again.

And now i am going to be brutally honest. One day I just got overly upset to the point i HAD to do something. I made up my mind and decided i was not going to sit around and mope about being fat and hate on stupid skinny girls. I HAD it Sick of always thinking "Itapos;s not fair, stupid girls who donapos;t know anything accept how to max out credit cards and spend their whole day txting or prancing around town in their perfect little itty bitty bodies know how to purge and i donapos;t" So... After eating, not binging, i actually never do that by some miracle (mind you on a day i was home alone of course) I just said "fuck it, thatapos;s IT. If those morons can do it Iapos;M going to do it" So... I literally spent a good SEVERAL minutes figuring out how to purge.

Embarressing... I actually had a hard time doing this. Iapos;ve tried countless times in the past but it never worked for me (because i always did it wrong). For all I know I could still be doing it wrong because I dunno how long *most* people purge, but for me it literally takes ME anywhere from an hour and half to TWO hours ...I always assumed girls went in there, purged for like maybe 10 minutes or half hour at most... But who knows, maybe itapos;s one those things where everyones different.

Anyhow... Point is, i FINALLY did it And it was THE best thing for ME ever. I mean, everyone whoapos;s watched me on here KNOWS how i was STUCK in the 150-160apos;s. When i was in high school is when i jumped into tha weight zone, and I was STUCK there ever since (technically i went up the scale in college but that has always been my "impossible" zone).�

Having that said and out of the way... Aside from purging i have been trying to make myself do at least 10 minutes of stairs every day (i.e. Just walking up and down the stairs in our house for 10 minutes) followed by5 minutes on the stationary� bike each day. I still try not to eat at all, and I make sure that the ONLY times i do eat is when i KNOW it is a time i will be home ALONE for multiple hours (which is VERY rare). I still donapos;t binge. I just eat a "normal" sized meal... Because I have a love - hate thing for purging. I love it because it really is the fastest easiest way to lose THE most weight of all in the least amount of time but... I hate doing it because it takes ME forever and after durring the process i get so sick of... Doing it. Itapos;s EXACTLY like me and excersizing. I HATE excersizing... The ONLY reason i do it is cuz i HAVE to.

The days I eat and purge, i lose MORE weight I know that when we eat and purge we donapos;t get "all the calories out" and that whatever we eat, some of that stuff weapos;ll never get back out but... Aparently the purging itself must be a damn good work out (in fact i do feel all tired out after i purge lol). The days i just go without eating and just drink all day... I end up not losing as much, go figure. (but i donapos;t purge on the days I donapos;t eat so all those calories that go in, STAY in...which is probably the reason i donapos;t lose AS much).

Sooooo... Thatapos;s about it in a nutshell I guess. Iapos;m going to *TRY* to keep this updated but... Weapos;ll see what happens.

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